Slamcinnati Wedding Dead-blog

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Is this a vagina?

Snorg McSnorger: The Forgotten Fake Facebook Profile

With all the commotion of the U.S. Open and Dick's Enberg's gafs, I almost forgot about my other identity thievery. Back in 2007 I became obsessed with t-shirt model Alisa Fraasa, who modeled for a company called Snorg Tees. So I made a fake fb profile for her and 'dated' her for quite some time.

The ironic thing was that I was actually facebook friends with Alisa when I dated her alter-ego. What an age we live in.

And here's what Mr. Enberg has been able to do in 9 months:

Mayflowers bring Pune bugs

Congrats to Francko for showing us how much he could stuff into Pune.

The score now stands:

Jimmy - 3½
Francko - 3
Davy - 2
Pat - 1

Wheypril and Whey

Davy won Wheypril and Whey. It was one event, but two months, so we'll compromise: he gets 1.5 points.

That puts the score at

Jimmy - 3½
Francko - 2
Davy - 2
Pat - 1

Postcards from Dick Enberg's Mama

Dick Enberg is popular. Much more so than you or I. He is a 74 year old white man who has probably never heard of facebook, yet almost daily someone requests his friendship. These are people who are intentionally searching for his online presence. Some just request his friendship. Others write paragraph upon paragraph of why they love him so. Some seem to be personal friends of his who have finally reconnected.

I almost feel bad, like I am deceiving these people. But then I remember that I don't have a conscience and no longer feel bad.


So I guess the lesson here is: don't create a fake facebook account for a celebrity unless you're ready to be less popular than said fake celebrity.

The Nativity of the Chalupa, according to the John (aka, what I did over my lunch break)

In those days Bryan Ruckles issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Southport Corridor. And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Davy also went up from the town of Patsy's in Lakeview to Racine, to Wrightwood the town of David Salyers, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Jenna, who was pledged to be in a TLC reality show with him and was expecting a massive dump. While they were there, the time came for the loaf to be pinched, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a chalupa. She crunch-wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a fishbowl, because there were no tables at El Presidente.

And there were bums out in the parks nearby, keeping watch over their flocks of Night Train. An 7/11 cashier of Cod appeared to them, and the glory of the Cod shone around them, and they were unemployed. But the cashier said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all Trixies. Today in the town of Wrightwood a Fourth Meal has been born to you; he is delicious. This will be a sign to you: You will find a chalupa crunch-wrapped in cloths and frying in a fishbowl."

When the 7/11 cashier had left them and gone into Hoagie Hut, the bums said to one another, "Let's go to Wrightwood and see this thing that has happened, which the Cod has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Jenna and Davy, and the chalupa, who was frying in the fishbowl. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this Fourth Meal, and all who heard it were amazed at what the bums said to them. But Jenna housed all these gorditas and digested them in her stomach. The bums returned, glorifying and chugging Night Train for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Wheypril Contest

Summer is quickly approaching, and along with shaving that certain 'zone' and finding a flattering tankini, slimming down is the final oh so important step one must take before you take that first sandy stroll onto North Avenue beach next month. Thusly, this month's contest will focus not on obscure sexual conquest, but rather self-betterment. We as an apartment will try to reach our target beach weight, using Malcolm X's patented any means necessary approach.

In order to benchmark our progress, here are our current stats:

Febuperry

Francko has won FebuPerry.











No one is quite sure what FebuPerry was or how Francko won it, but congrats anyway.

The current score currently stands as:

Jimmy - 3½
Francko - 2
Pat - 1
Davy - ½

Red Box Challenge

Zero score and 9 months ago our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new challenge, conceived in stupidity and dedicated to the proposition that all men should waste as much gas as possible. Actually, it was Davy and I don't remember when, but basically he wanted to see how far he could get with a rented Red Box DVD and still return it in under 24 hours.

This is at the Marsh at 146th and SR-37 in Indianapolis, IN. We rented Right to Kill, starring Pacino and Deniro and Curtis Jackson. I've seen better acting from Tough Actin Tinactin. Something about two 70 year old white dudes going to a new club opened by coke dealer Spider (50) and none of the patrons doing a double take is a bit unbelieveable. And then Deniro going home and banging the 30-something forensics cop...aw cmonnnnnn.

Anyway....



This redbox is in a Walmart off I-20 in Atlanta, GA. I dropped the DVD off on the way to the airport.

Google maps puts that trip at 562 miles. This is kind of the like the poor-man's geeky version of Smoky and the Bandit.

Davy's Wild Ride

I want to share with you all a story about Davy's Friday night. We started off at a bar in the seldom-visited Clyborn Corridor called 'Faith and Whiskey'. If this bar had a motif, I didn't get it. After a beer and a tequila shot (which McCann refused to do for some reason) we took a cab up to Friar Tucks.


On the way, our cab driver played not one but two songs with got us all pretty amped up: Mark Morrison's Return of the Mack and No Mercy's Where do you Go? I asked him if we were listening to a Jock Jams CD, and he scoffed, saying that he made this CD himself. Reminds my of NPH's awesome mix from the NYE episode of HIMYM. JEOMK. XIF.

We got into Friar Tuck's, where some girl was celebrating a birthday with her friends. When the bartender/owner found out it was her birthday, he got out an inflatable donkey, put a shot glass in its inflattable butt, filled it with liquor and asked her to come drink it. She refused at first, but after being egged on by her friends approached the bar. She took the shot and angrily threw the donkey back at the bartender. 'Get out', the bartender screamed at her. But she didn't.

A lesbian tried to get Maureen to go in the bathroom with her.

Next we went to the dark horse, where I poured a beer in my lap, as was the style at the time. Strailman showed up with about a dozen friends, one of which was Ms. Hogust herself. The night progressed, and Davy and Hogust were getting along swimmingly. Pat was making googlie eyes at the girl in pink at the bar. Strailman decides he's going to try to hook up with some girl there, and asks if Davy will take his bike for him. Davy happily obliges, and gets on the bike to ride it home. And he would have made it home safely, if it weren't for those meddling speed bumps.






















His jeans caught in the gear, and his pair of pants were reduced to a pant/jort mixed marraige.
























Apparently he was mocked by some dudes who saw this whole thing happen, but I'm sure it made their night.



Godspeed, Mr. Delong.

Bonner Jams '09

This is our dearly beloved roommate James:

This is San Antonio Spurs forward Matt Bonner:
Look at the hair, the spotty beard (pot-kettle-black?), the earnest smile, the lankiness.

Let's match them up (Wikipedia facts liberally sprinkled throughout this match-up):

Mode of transportation:
Jimmy - reverse commutes to Grove Village in a Camry with hardly any tire tread nor power steering fluid.
Matt Bonner - constantly spotted by Raptors fans on the Toronto Transit Commission (whose slogan is "Ride the Rocket")

Advantage Bonner

Nickname:
Jimmy - Big Red (from his high school philosophy teacher; coincidentally, Big Red is the name of a chewing gum with overbearing flavor)
Matt Bonner - Red Rocket (for his ginger hair and his omnipresence on the aforementioned transit system... coincidentally, also a term for a dog's boner)

Advantage Push

Toughness:
Jimmy - toughed it out against fellow roommate Patrick in a game of bat-bat... only to later pass out under a chair in the ER
Matt Bonner - toughed it out through a stint of Serie A basketball which included a bout of salmonella and having his heat and electricity shut off

Advantage Bonner


The ties have it, folks. Last Wikipedia fact: "Bonner bought his car, a white Pontiac Grand Prix, in New Hampshire to avoid paying sales tax. He chose it because it had good leg room and decent gas mileage."

Wikipedia, bringing you the hard-hitting facts.

Look out for Derek Fisher, Jimmy!

Manuhairy Results

Jimmy and Davy were awarded joint custody of Manuhairy victor.

After 6 months, the score stands as follows:

Jimmy - 3½
Pat - 1
Francko - 1
Davy - ½

We currently don't know what the February contest will be. Suggestions are welcome.

Dick Enberg Results

Jimmy has won Dick Enberg.



The score now stands as follows:

Jimmy - 3
Francko - 1
Pat - 1
Davy - 0